Sunday, December 18, 2005
in case you wondered
I won't be home for Christmas this year. I keep trying to explain that to people, how that feels, and I mostly get polite noises followed by a change of subject. There's something about Christmas, I've never understood. My mostly cool feelings about family in general and Virginia in particular are out the window for this one holiday, attached to a religion I don't even associate with. It's always been like that. My mother would ask if I wanted to spend it with our relatives in other states, and my answer was always NO WE HAVE TO HAVE IT HERE. Twice we've spent it in Arizona with my aunt and uncle. That was okay, I guess, but it's the only time I can remember not waking up at home on Christmas morning. As much as I've tried to make California home (and for all practical purposes, it is), I still find myself calling home "home." I can't help it. I grew up there. So because I can't afford a plane ticket, and because I'd have 3.5 days there, tops, I'll be staying here, alone. Not alone alone, just in the wrong place, with people I haven't known my whole life. I've had a couple of kind offers from various people to celebrate with them, and I guess I'll be spending Christmas Day with Nick's family, because it's the obvious choice, but I can't help feeling disappointed. And kind of lonely. Anyway, that's how it feels.
