Friday, March 12, 2004
There are so many things that I think of to write about over the course of a day, and then I sit down at night and can't remember a thing. Humph.
Spring break (break from what? shut up, you.) begins tomorrow, and Luke is coming to visit. Luke is one of my favorite people ever. I've been cooking up plans for us, and collecting things to cook, so I think I'm ready. I feel a little bad because Kevin was supposed to come too, but I had to ask him not to at the last minute. My mood has been so fragile lately, and just the thought of entertaining two COMPLETELY and UTTERLY different people for a whole week was enough to make me hysterical. He hadn't bought a ticket yet, anyway, and it would have cost a fortune. Rationalize, rationalize. We had sort of a fight about it, actually. Well, sort of. I felt so bad about telling him not to visit that I couldn't come right out and say it, so I kept mentioning that I was having panic attacks when I thought of break, and finally he suggested that he stay home. "I think you should," I said. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. He kept saying he'd be supportive and hang around in the background though, and I kept trying to convince him that wouldn't work, and finally he said "I wish you'd trust me on this" and I blew up, silently, for 45 seconds. As in, "It's not a matter of trust, you jerk, it's a matter of I don't want to have a nervous breakdown!" is what ran through my head, but I bit my tongue. Because why? Just because. I'm really a terrible person, but for some reason it doesn't bother me. Perhaps because I'm terrible.
The cool kids kept me up until 3 a.m. with their partying last night, but today they're all gone off to Cabo san Lucas or Jamaica or wherever cool kids spend spring break these days. I love the relative quiet on my street and the stillness on campus. Two years ago, when I still worked at the library, I found I could work a ridiculous number of hours over break because the other student helpers were gone. It was the best week there ever, because it was so quiet, and I spent a LOT of time there because, hey, easy money. I always thought the library was better without patrons coming in and touching the books, moving them all over and wanting questions answered. It was the same at Blockbuster, which would have been a lot better without all the customers. I hate customers. No, wait, I hate everything. Maybe I should make a list of the things I don't hate, that would be constructive.
Current Music: Autechre, rettil ac
Current Mood: still
Spring break (break from what? shut up, you.) begins tomorrow, and Luke is coming to visit. Luke is one of my favorite people ever. I've been cooking up plans for us, and collecting things to cook, so I think I'm ready. I feel a little bad because Kevin was supposed to come too, but I had to ask him not to at the last minute. My mood has been so fragile lately, and just the thought of entertaining two COMPLETELY and UTTERLY different people for a whole week was enough to make me hysterical. He hadn't bought a ticket yet, anyway, and it would have cost a fortune. Rationalize, rationalize. We had sort of a fight about it, actually. Well, sort of. I felt so bad about telling him not to visit that I couldn't come right out and say it, so I kept mentioning that I was having panic attacks when I thought of break, and finally he suggested that he stay home. "I think you should," I said. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. He kept saying he'd be supportive and hang around in the background though, and I kept trying to convince him that wouldn't work, and finally he said "I wish you'd trust me on this" and I blew up, silently, for 45 seconds. As in, "It's not a matter of trust, you jerk, it's a matter of I don't want to have a nervous breakdown!" is what ran through my head, but I bit my tongue. Because why? Just because. I'm really a terrible person, but for some reason it doesn't bother me. Perhaps because I'm terrible.
The cool kids kept me up until 3 a.m. with their partying last night, but today they're all gone off to Cabo san Lucas or Jamaica or wherever cool kids spend spring break these days. I love the relative quiet on my street and the stillness on campus. Two years ago, when I still worked at the library, I found I could work a ridiculous number of hours over break because the other student helpers were gone. It was the best week there ever, because it was so quiet, and I spent a LOT of time there because, hey, easy money. I always thought the library was better without patrons coming in and touching the books, moving them all over and wanting questions answered. It was the same at Blockbuster, which would have been a lot better without all the customers. I hate customers. No, wait, I hate everything. Maybe I should make a list of the things I don't hate, that would be constructive.
Current Music: Autechre, rettil ac
Current Mood: still
